When you're not sure what you want

Welcome to the ArtsBound Newsletter. Every Tuesday, I share three thoughts or insights meant to help performing arts students and young professionals flourish in their life and career. 

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- 4.5-minute read -

1. Fear: the antithesis of desire.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been running a survey asking respondents to reflect on their career journey and what they understand their needs to be/have been along the way (btw, if you haven’t taken the survey yet, I’d love for you to offer your thoughts). One of the questions I ask is about the most difficult “tasks” faced when transitioning out of high school and college. Hands downs, the top responses have to do with identifying what we want.

I can relate.

My birthday was this week, and several of my family members have been asking me what I would like as a gift. When it comes to material possessions, I tend towards minimalism. So right from the start, I struggle when it comes to identifying potential presents I’d like.

But as I was preparing to write today’s newsletter, I recalled ‘little boy Lee’ who would write lists of dozens of Lego sets he would like to receive from Santa Claus for Christmas. When ‘little Lee’ learned that the gifts he received were actually purchased by his parents all that changed. I share this story not to unpack my personal childhood wounds, but to illustrate a key issue standing in the way of identifying what we want. 

When I was a kid, I was keenly aware of my family’s financial limitations. I was also keenly aware of what Lego sets cost, and the most expensive sets came from Santa. When I realized that what I desired had a real cost and a sense of sacrifice associated with it, my sense of wanting shut down. 

What was true for ‘little Lee’ about Legos is true for all of us at any age: getting what we want - whether it’s a new toy, a new job, or a deeper understanding of ourselves - comes with a cost. Pursuing the object of our desire always requires the expenditure of resources - our time, money, energy, and/or attention.

And when we spend our resources on this, it means we won’t have enough resources to spend on that.

If we are really sure about what we want, the implied sacrifice generally isn’t an issue. However, it occurs to me that fear of missing out (FOMO, as many call it) can really mess with our sense of desire.

What the younger generations (millennials and younger) call FOMO, our parents called fear of commitment. And, of course, there are other fears that keep us from identifying and pursuing what we want: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of judgement, etc.

The relation between FOMO and the inability to commit is, perhaps, a chicken-or-egg question. But there’s no need to identify a causal relationship to understand what the antidote is. We overcome fear by making self-honoring decisions - one after another - and committing ourselves to those decisions. By doing so, we get back in touch with our desire and are more able to define what ‘living’ really means to us, forgoing all the rest.

2. The ‘happiness conundrum’.

Before we talk more about developing our capacity for desire, let’s take a detour into happiness. Oftentimes, when people are asked to consider what they want, their response understandably is: what will make me most happy?

Our culture is highly rational and comparative. When we see others who have something we don’t, it’s easy to think that IF we do what they do and get what they have, THEN we will be more happy than we are now.

Of course, this is the nature of desire, but then we are reminded that there are different levels of desire: Sometimes I think I want something, but I’m not sure if it’s REALLY what I want. In other words, is it ego desire, or soul desire? 

You can’t be happy all the time, and it’s helpful to know that your soul doesn’t want you to be happy all time. A fulfilling life and growth as an individual requires suffering, struggle, grief, and anger. If we are open and present to these feelings - letting them move through our being without clinging to them or avoiding them - joy and desire can accompany them.

For me, I need look no further than the poetry of Kahlil Gibran for convincing on this issue:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises 

   was oftentimes filled with your tears...

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,

   The more joy you can contain...

I say unto you: they are inseparable.

I could have just put the complete poem in this email instead of writing anything else. In fact, if you had to pick between clicking that link or reading the rest of this newsletter, I’d want you to click the link. 

And… April is actually National Poetry Month. It’s not long. So go for it. Read the whole poem. 

(Oh, but if you’re going to read both, read the newsletter first. I can’t follow Gibran.)

3. Identifying and pursuing what we REALLY want.

Months ago, I wrote a newsletter about using visualization techniques to determine what you want and how to accomplish your goals. In it, I describe what you might consider a hack, shared with me by my own coach.

Here it is in a nutshell: 

The way we experience our life is, in essence, a constant flow of subjective feelings. Instead of asking, “What do I want?”, ask “What do I want to feel?”. Make a list of those things. Be specific (i.e. don’t say “happy”). For example, on my list is “encouraging and supportive to those around me” and “prolific as a creator”. Then every morning, read your list using slight cues from your body and mind to discern which of your 'feeling goals' need your attention most that day. Then decide how you will address it.

It’s an intuitive process that gets you in touch with your soul while making small commitments with regard to how you spend your time, money, energy, and attention. And if you do it right, you introduce a sense of playfulness and purpose into your day.

If you want to try making your own list of ‘feeling goals’ and would like someone to have a look at it, don’t hesitate to reach out.

See you next week!

Lee